I check the address again before knocking on the door of the mansion.
Some pugnacious douchebag answers and says, “I think you’ve gotten your hats mixed up,” as he tips his derby ostentatiously.
I try to smile as I adjust my sombrero with one hand and clutch an enchilada tray in the other. “I’m Dave. Tabitha invited me to the fiesta.”
“Fiesta?” The stuffed klootzak lets out a quivery guffaw. “This event is to honor the anniversary of the Dream Catcher foundation for the homeless.”
A lady comes to the door clutching her head like she’s got a migraine. She looks me up and down like I’m a slovenly bantha. “Oh dear. Are you here to murder us?” she asks in horror.
“What? No. Some foxy little bunny named Tabitha invited me here. I just assumed with it being Cinco de Mayo and all. . .”
“Are you talking about our daughter like that?” pugnacious douchbag asks.
“I need some antacids . . . and a Zyprexa,” the lady says as she clomps off in her heels, a labradoodle at her side.
“I’m more of a psilocybin kind of dude,” is my extemporaneous reply as I let myself in. “Or I could go for a frozen margarita?”
Pugnacious douchebag looks stunned. “Margarita?”
“Yeah it’s like a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Slurpee.”
“This is not a frat house birthday party, young man. I think you should leave at once!”
“I’ll make you a compromise. Let me see Tabitha, and then I’ll go.”
“I’m relying on your accountability on this matter, whenever we find her and you’ve had a moment to . . . reunite.”
Douchebag leads me through a crowd of stuffy people, to a patio where Tabitha is staring at the moon and drawing a selenophile sacrament on the concrete with chalk. Instantly, she causes some powerful feelings of limerance to come over me as I gaze over her un-ubiquitous beauty. I’m practically droolin.’
“Hi Tabitha” I take off my sombrero.
She jumps up in her usual vivacious way. “Hi Dave! I was just drawing some lines of longitude for a school project.”
“I can’t stay long,” I apologize, “or your father might Bobbitze my banana.”
“Is that a metaphor for . . .?”
I nod. “Chop my penis off.”
“He’s annoying. Let’s get out of here,” Tabitha says without a moment of procrastination. “Have our own Cinco de Mayo celebration.”
I instantly agree.
Alice Devaney, Andrea Dunigan, Andrea Randall, Barbara Shanahan, Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, Carol Luciano, Dave, Debbie, Diane Dale, Donna Wolz, Gene, Helen, Linda B, Joanie Sanders, Joy Clarin Soriano, Julian White, Kim, Lori Bohanon, Lori R, Lynn, Lynne Arias, Mare Gorrell, Michelle Shaubert, Michelle Zeman, Mitsy, Nenette M, Nicole Morrow, Paco Gonzales, Pat Baxes, Pat Freely, Peggy Honeysuckle, Robin Albertelli, Robyn, Samantha Day, Sandra S., Sheila Lord, Sherry, Suzan, Tabitha Harris, Tere, Teresa Garcia, Yvonne Villegas
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS
accountability, anniversary, annoying, antacids, birthday, bunny, compromise, derby, douchebag, dream catcher, droolin’ , enchilada, fiesta, fiesta (yes, twice), foxy, hats, homeless, honor, horror, longitude, margarita, metaphor, migraine, murder, ostentatiously, powerful, procrastination, quivery, reunite, Slurpee, sombrero, vivacious, whenever
extemporaneous— spoken or done without preparation.
guffaw—a loud and boisterous laugh.
klootzak— (literally: “ball sack”) is the scrotum, and is a common insult. It is comparable to the English word “asshole” when applied to a person.
limerance— the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.
Psilocybin— a hallucinogenic alkaloid, found in some toadstools.
pugnacious— eager or quick to argue, quarrel, or fight.
sacrament— a religious ceremony or act of the Christian Church that is regarded as an outward and visible sign of inward and spiritual divine grace, in particular.
selenophile— alover of the moon.
slovenly— messy and dirty
ubiquitous— present, appearing, or found everywhere.
Zyprexa— an antipsychotic medication that affects chemicals in the brain
URBAN DICTIONARY WORDS
Bantha—a species of hairy mammals that lived in the deserts of the planet Tatooine, but were bred on many worlds throughout the galaxy
Bobbitize— when a woman threatens/acts to remove a mans penis through non-surgical means.
Labradoodle— a dog that is a cross-breed of a Labrador and a standard poodle.