By Marian Gorrell
This morning I was driving through downtown Saskatchewan when I felt an unsurmountable urge to floor it and collide at full speed with an eight-foot tall sculpture of a mustard bottle that was erected to memorialize the Great Mustard Famine of 1832.
I ended up in the Emergency Room of a hospital that was in the middle of an accreditation survey. My nurse told me that there was a recent pervasiveness of impulsive behavior that has been keeping them quite busy. “It seems to be a speciatic endemic confined to the circuits of our small neighborhood,” she said.
While I waited to get my forehead stitched up, I saw a priest lose his balance as he rolled by on rollerblades, holding a lollipop in one hand and an aspergillum in the other. He was sprinkling what smelled like coffee around the halls and muttering, “With liberty and justice for all… with liberty and justice for all… with liberty and justice for all… I have an imprimatur!”
“What’s the skinny on this guy?” I asked, cocking my head toward the priest.
“As I said– impulsive behavior. Father Pete is doing his best to help us through this survey, but he seems to have been affected by whatever it is that has blown the capacitors in everyone’s heads lately. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a couple of transgender flashers I need to placate in the next room. They were traumatized by a street clown. Oddly enough, they are the sanest people around here!”
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS:
accreditation, balance, circuits, collide, flashers, justice, lollipop, memorialize, placate, Saskatchewan, sculpture, skinny, transgender, unsurmountable
aspergillum- an implement for sprinkling holy water.
capacitors- devices used to store an electric charge.
endemic- a condition found among particular people or a certain area.
imprimatur—an official license by the Roman Catholic church to print an ecclesiastical or religious book.
pervasiveness- the quality of spreading widely or being present throughout an area or group of people.
speciatic—beats the hell out of me. I’m using it as though it means “specific to a species.” That’s what it looks like it should mean.
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