By Marian Gorrell
Jenny lazily chewed wintergreen gum while browsing through her roll-a-dex. She was planning a cosplay party, and choosing which of her friends would be lucky enough to receive an invitation to her new home in Arcadia. She considered having a themed party, and then decided not to have any stupid rules governing their fun. It would be exciting to see what characters her friends came up with.
The night of the party she glanced at her reflection in the mirror, feeling beautiful as adjusted her Princess Leia bikini. Jenny turned on some dance music, and waited for her guests to arrive. Moments later, Cruella de Vil strolled through the door with eight spotted puppies marching successively behind her.
“You brought live animals to my house!?” exclaimed Jenny.
“I was going for authenticity,” said Cruella, in her usual succinct manner, and wandered off in search of cocktail weenies.
Jenny was about to go after her when she was intercepted by a Bluetiful Crayola wearing winklepicker shoes. “Hey,” said Bluetiful, “do you have any brownie mix? I brought some sativa.”
Jenny answered, “yeah, check the pantry. But you’re going to have to cook it in the microwave because there’s something wrong with the oven. And make sure you stir the mix really well. Last time I was picking grit out of my teeth for days.”
Just then, Jenny heard a sound that made her blood boil to a slow burn. It was the unmistakable “hhhkkkkk hhhkkkkk” of canine gagging. She looked over in time to see one of the pups regurgitate hot wings all over her new plush carpeting.
“WTF?!” cried Jenny nudging the dog out the door with her foot with opprobrium.
“Have some compassion,” said Cruella, “Snickerdoodle has a belly ache. Poor lil Snickerdoodle-woodle.”
Jenny gaped, “seriously? I’m getting lessons on compassion from Cruella de Vil??”
And then “bbbbzzt.” Total darkness.
“Now what?” the exasperated hostess yelled.
“Sorry!” came the voice of a certain Crayon from the kitchen. “There must have been a voltage surge or something. The brownies are done, but I think you may need a new microwave.”
Jenny fumbled in the darkness to find some candles. She lit one and turned around to see Gaston leaning against the wall with a heroic disposition, flashing a glimpse of his hairy armpit. “Don’t worry Princess,” he said, “I’ll go find the circuit breaker. Why don’t you take the rest of the party outside to enjoy the cool breeze under the extraordinary full moon?”
“What a cheeseball,” thought Jenny, but took his advice and led the group of royalty, villains, and well… school supplies out to the backyard.
Jenny sat back on a lounge chair thinking she could finally relax, but no, Bluetiful stripped off her costume and began dancing naked in the moonlight.
“How many of those damned brownies did you eat?” asked Jenny, wishing the night would just end.
“Sorry about the bare ass, but I can’t help myself. I have selenophilia and it tends to bring out my adamitism. I feel like the planets are aligned in perfect syzygy”
Suddenly, the lights in the house flicked back on, and Jenny breathed a momentary sigh of relief. She walk back inside to find a six foot tall double helix throwing water on her drapes.
“What the heck are you doing, DNA?” she wailed, near tears.
“Uh, more specifically, I’m CRISPR. And uh, I knocked over a candle. Sorry about the drapes… they’re a little singed.”
“Ok, everybody out!” Jenny shouted “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Go to the Philippines for all I care! And drop some specie on the table on your way out. You are all helping pay for the damages!”
When everyone was gone and the house was silent, Jenny finally reclined on her sofa and nibbled a brownie. “Damn!” she thought, “I haven’t felt this discombobulated since my alien abduction by a Luxen colony.”
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS
alien abduction, Arcadia, beautiful, circuit breaker, compassion, cosplay, disposition, discombobulated, extraordinary, grit, hairy armpit, Philippines, puppies, reflection, regurgitate, Roll-a-dex, slow burn, stupid rules, successively, succinct, voltage, wintergreen
adamitism– the practice of going naked
bluetiful– a new Crayola color
CRISPR– a family of DNA sequences in bacteria that contains snippets of DNA from viruses that have attacked the bacterium.
Luxen colony– Alien characters out of Jennifer L. Armentout’s Lux series with special powers and made of light.
opprobrium– harsh criticism or censure
sativa– an annual herbaceous plant in the cannabis genus.
selenophilia– loving the moon and finding it soothingly captivating.
specie– money in the form of coins rather than notes
syzygy– a conjunction or opposition, especially of the moon with the sun.
winklepicker– a shoe with a long pointed toe, popular in the 1950’s
A.m. Donovan, Amy Matalon-Graham, Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, Charlie, Cheryl J Bender Albertelli, David Ramquist, Debbie Denney, Denise Sherman, Diane Dale, Donna Wolz, Gene, Joanie Sanders, Joseph Rose, Julia Mason, Karen Treen, Laura T Emery, Lynne Tiktin-Arias, Michele Feldman Borenstein, Michelle Schaubert, Nenette M., Nicole Morrow, Paco Gonzalez, Robyn K, Sandra S., Sharyn, Stephanie Russell, Suzan