I was exhaustipated as I walked home through the gloaming on that Orwellian night. I made my way through Grandpa’s odd barbican fencing and found him in the yard, discombobulated. He was rolling around like a pygmy hedgehog.
“Ono! What are you doing, Gramps?” I asked, flabbergasted by his audacity. “I’m surprised to see you out in the dark with your scotoma and achluophobia.”
“I have this stupendous, fandamntastic liquid courage!” He pointed to a glass sitting on his model of the Freedom Bridge and the Berlin Wall. “Try it!” He said, jocularly.
Only I understood his esoteria for zymurgy and decided to be acquiescent, taking a sip of his moonshine. My head was instantly throbbing as I was bombarded by a brackish combination of peaches, blackberries, Heliotrope, barnacles and Spirulina pie. It was not salubrious and less than appealing. “Grandpa, this is insanity! I’ve been your biggest cheerleader, but did you miss the bulletin or do I need to reiterate that AA is against drinking?
“I don’t have autism you lackadaisical whippersnapper! Stop being such a fussbudget and get me my whirlywhopper!”
“Aren’t you rambunctious? Don’t get so excited. You mean your walker?”
“Get me up you fidiot, before my rear turns into an arsicle and I get some wicked viral bronchitis,” he yelled, tremulous.
“Are you feeling unloved again?” I said in a facetious tone.
He’d been like this ever since he was forced to make the international move from Carlingford to Atascadero. He was falsely accused of nymphomania back in the UK, caught with a Fandango dancer and a spreader bar, but Gramps usually kept his thingamybob and balloons to himself. The dancer had asked him to be her mumpsimus cicisbeo and he was overzealous about the juxtaposition of the gender roles. Still the future king of England felt Grandpa’s actions were ignominious and had seen him as a bad chorological omen. Gramps sought freedom, antidisestablishmentarianism and redemption in the States.
I got him his walker and he immediately reached for the glass of moonshine and downed it. “That is some funkTaNious supercalifragilisticexpialidocious jilfritted compresstibility sedidy,” Gramps slurred.
“What? Was that some phonological onomatopoeia?”
I realized I would never fully grok him. I just wanted to put Gramps to bed so I could go on the computer and look at mindless tweets with an octothorpe followed by serendipity.
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS:
appealing, audacity, autism, balloons, barnacles, blackberries, bombarded, bulletin, cheerleader, computer, discombobulated, excited, facetious, falsely, fencing, flabbergasted, freedom, Freedom Bridge, Berlin Wall, fussbudget, fussbudget, insanity, international, king, lackadaisical, nymphomania, odd, omen, Ono!, onomatopoeia, overzealous, peaches, pie, Pygmy hedgehog, rambunctious, redemption, reiterate, serendipity, stupendous, throbbing, throbbing, unloved, viral bronchitis, wicked
achluophobia— is the fear of darkness
acquiescent—tending to accept or allow what others want or demand
antidisetablishmentarianism—opposition to the withdrawal of state support or recognition from an established church
Atascadero—a city in California
barbican—the outer defense of a castle or walled city, especially a double tower above a gate or drawbridge
Carlingford—a medieval village in Ireland
chirological—related to palm reading
cicisbeo—In 18th & 19th-century Italy, a gallant and lover of a married woman, who attended her at public entertainment
esoteria-intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest
Fandango—a lively Spanish dance for two people, typically accompanied by castanets or tambourine. 2. a foolish or useless act or thing
gloaming— twilight; dusk
grok—understand intuitively or by empathy
Heliotrope—a plant of the borage family, cultivated for its fragrant purple or blue flowers, which are used in perfume
ignominious—deserving or causing public disgrace or shame
jocularly—given to, characterized by, intended for, or suited to joking or jesting
juxtaposition—the fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effect
mumpsimus—a traditional custom or notion adhered to although shown to be unreasonable
octothorpe—another term for the pound sign
Orwellian— characteristic of the writings of George Orwell, especially with reference to his dystopian account of a future totalitarian state in Nineteen Eighty-Four
phonological— an inventory of sounds
scotoma— blind spot in a field of vision
tremulous—shaking or quivering slightly
whippersnapper—a young and inexperienced person considered to be presumptuous or overconfident
Zymurgy—the study or practice of fermentation in brewing, winemaking, or distilling
URBAN DICTIONARY WORDS:
exhaustipated—too exhausted to give a shit.
spreader-bar—an article of bondage equipment consisting of a metal or wooden bar, with attachment points for bondage cuffs at each end, which can be fastened to wrists, ankles or knees to hold them apart.
fandamntastic— merges the words damn and fantastic.
arrsicle—when yer butt’s frozen!
fidiot ( fucking idiot ), lol
thingumybob— a noun used to describe items that either you can’t remember the name of or that don’t actually exist.
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