By Marian Gorrell
“Listen up you ghouls,” called Mephistopheles from atop a particularly ornate crypt in the Merry Cemetery. “We used to be able to hold the attention of those dorky mortals, but reality TV has made them oblivious to our allure. We’ve recently been upstaged by a damn giraffe and it’s making me bonkers! Our ratings are flickted and we’re going to have to step up our game. I’m installing a webcam, and it’s up to all of you to create a brouhaha of epic proportions. We need full participation of every mythical creature– even Rumpelstiltskin. Now who knows how to calibrate this camera?”
“Uh, boss?” asked a particularly perspicacious vampire. “Are you looking for our usual dastardly kerfuffle, or is it okay if we do something more funkadelic. That’s what seems to tickle the humans’ fancy now-adays.”
Mephistopheles answered, “Listen wossname, you can blithely stuff an austrolorp into a geocache while singing ‘zippity do day’. It’s inconsequential as long as I see a significant boost in our ratings immediately!”
“You know what would be fantabulous?” asked a rambunctious poltergeist with glowing effervescence. “An exorcism! Live… uh, er oops, that’s kind of an oxymoron… dead on the internet!”
A preternaturally low grumble came from the werewolf, and Mephistopheles shot an ignoble glare at him.
“Shut your piehole, you wittol before I wash it out with mouthwash! I didn’t ask for your opinion!” bellowed the juggernaut.
“Begging your merciful, eleemosynary pardon, boss,” said the werewolf, as he stifled a belch. “That weren’t no disrespectful onomatopoeia, that was borborygmus, I got me a lil’ case of collywobbles. I hope you know that I’m your fidus achates. SSDGM, you handsome devil.”
The supercilious vampire chimed in, “It’s no wonder you’re queasy, I often see you engaging in coprophagia. I bet that’s why you’re wives are cheaters.”
“That’s disgusting,” said a zombie who was wearing a raggedy tuxedo with a daffodil sticking out of the lapel, and looked like he was in dire need of anterior cervical disk replacement.
“Look who’s talking, brain-eater,” said the vampire to the zombie as he decanted a bottle of fresh blood.
”Why you got to be such a dolyphore?” said the werewolf to the vampire. “You think you’re such a raconteur, but really you just make us feel bullied.”
Mephistopheles rolled his eyes and stomped a hoof. “SILENCE!!” he bellowed, at the zenith of impatience. “I don’t care if all you lazy fools eat gorgonzola encrusted aardvark, as long as you ignite a serious boost in the ratings of our hellhole before I call my pettifogger and have you all FIRED!”
Just then, as dawn broke in the cemetery, the whole motley crew stared in astonishment as a zebracorn happily sauntered into the cemetery and subsequently gave birth in the incandescent sunshine. The cemetery’s ratings immediately shot through the roof, evocative of a certain giraffe’s journey to stardom.
“Weren’t that serendipitous?” said the werewolf, not disguising his astonishment.
Mephistopheles just sighed in defeat.
Alice Nieuwendijk, Andrea Randall, April Stoor, Ashlyn Emery, B W Officer, Barbara Shanahan, Brenda, Bridgett, Brooklyn Emery, Cheryl Albertelli, Chris, Christy, David, Debbie Jones, Denise Sherman, Dina Uriarte, Dolly, Emilie-Louise Davis, Fe De Guzman, Gail Powell, Gary Matthews, Gene, Harley Christensen, Jane Lavigne, Janice Santillo, Jennifer Zamora, Joanie Sanders, Julian White, Julie, Katie, Katina Fragakis, Launey Bishop, Lisa Canada, Lorena Keech, Lori Bohanon, Lynn E., Lynne Arias, Marie-Anne Munger, Maritza, Melanie Vincent, Melissa Hess, Melody Langton, Michelle Schaubert, Mitsy, Nenette M., Nicole Morrow, Nkiru, Norma Storms, Pat Baxes, Patricia Blair, Raul, Rebecca Booth, Robin, Robyn, Samantha Cole, Samantha Day, Sharon, Tabitha Harris, Tala, Tammy Ramey, Tara Doherty, Whitney
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS
anterior cervical disk replacement, bullied, obivious, aardvark, astonishment, blithely, bonkers, calibrate, cheaters, daffodil, dastardly, decanted, disguising, dorky, effervescence, evocative, exorcism, giraffe, gorgonzola, hellhole, ignite, ignoble, incandescent, inconsequential, lazy, Mephistopheles, merciful, mouthwash, oxymoron, piehole, preternaturally, raggedy, rambunctious, Rumpelstiltskin, serendipitous, stifled, subsequently, sunshine, tickle, vampire, werewolf, zenith, zippity do day
austrolorp— a black Orpington chicken of an Australian breed.
borborygmus— a rumbling or gurgling noise made by the movement of fluid and gas in the intestines.
brouhaha— a noisy and overexcited reaction or response to something
collywobbles— stomach pain or queasiness.
coprophagia— the eating of feces or dung.
doryphore— a pedantic and annoyingly persistent critic.
eleemosynary— relating to or dependent on charity; charitable.
fidus ahates— a faithful friend or devoted follower.
geocache— an item, typically a container holding a number of other items, that has been hidden at a location whose coordinates have been posted on the Internet.
juggernaut— a huge, powerful, and overwhelming force or institution.
kerfuffle— a commotion or fuss, especially one caused by conflicting views.
Merry Cemetery— a cemetery in the village of Săpânța, Maramureş county, Romania. It is famous for its colourful tombstones with naïve paintings describing, in an original and poetic manner, the people who are buried there as well as scenes from their lives.
onomatopoeia— the formation of a word from a sound associated with what is named.
perspicacious— having a ready insight into and understanding of things.
pettifogger— an inferior legal practitioner, especially one who deals with petty cases or employs dubious practices.
raconteur— a person who tells anecdotes in a skillful and amusing way.
supercilious— behaving or looking as though one thinks one is superior to others.
wittol— a man who is aware and tolerant of his wife’s infidelity; an acquiescent cuckold.
URBAN DICTIONARY WORDS
fantabulous—a combination of fabulous and fantastic.
flickted—messup up, all wrong, when it’s just not right. Sometimes will say “it just has a really high flicktation factor”.
funkadelic—a combination of “funky” and “psychedelic.
SSDGM—an acronym for Stay Sexy, Don’t get Murdered
wossname—if you can’t possibly remember what something is called, what it is, what it does, or why it does it, it instantly becomes a ‘wossname’
zebracorn—a combination of a zebra and a unicorn.