By Marian Gorrell
“Hello, my name is Don, and I suffer from necrophilia,” said the addlepated, nervous newcomer to the Sexual Deviant Support Group.
“Hiiiii Dooooonnn,” came the unanimous response.
“Why don’t you go ahead and tell us your story, Don?” prompted the moderator, patronizingly.
Don let out a deep sigh while he collected his thoughts. He felt enervated and wasn’t sure if he was ready bare his soul, but his attendance was a condition of his early parole from prison.
“Ahem,” he began. “I wasn’t always, uh… adventurous. I had an abundance of live women who found me irresistible. My discovery of post-mortem pleasure came quite by accident. I was dining alone in a Cajun restaurant that incidentally serves the best etoufee. The ambiance was exquisite with spalted wood tables, and quilling, crispate daylily centerpiece with filigree accents. Anyway, I noticed this gorgeous babe in a bodacious bustle with flamingo pink lips and hair dye the color of rose gold. She was devouring her crawfish with the keenness of a wildcat. She really began to pique my interest when she started choking. I’d never seen anyone’s spirit create a vacancy in their body. I could practically see her ghost orbit her body before making a triumphant assent to the spirt world. I don’t know diddly-squat about the afterlife, but I experienced the euphoria of enlightenment as I heard the cosmic om that accompanied her transition.
“Ok, I admit it, that turned me on. I eventually started visiting mortuaries after hours. I saw some of the craziest things there… a man who had attempted to put a watermelon in his rectum, a montivagant wanderer who was mutilated by a decorticator while out for a stroll, a day labor worker who plummeted through a trap door while singing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious… you get the idea. I was even starting to enjoy the cadaverine smell of the area.
“I thought I hit the jackpot when I came across a beauty with high, feline cheekbones and a body the shape of a violin. I don’t want to be graphic, but it felt as though she and I were conglutinated when we were discovered. Who knew that there was an interdiction against that sort of thing? Now I realize what I did was inappropriate, and I wish I could ask her forgiveness. I didn’t even know her name. “Don sighed wistfully while lost in the memory.
“Fast forward to my arrest. Of course I chose the lawyer who undercut all the others on his fees. In reality he was a tow-head pettifogger with a southern lilt who practices law like a peezing toddler. My future was undetermined and he was more concerned with another client who was trying to appeal his excommunication from his church. By the time the courts were done with me, I was smeared all over the Daily Bugle, and a triumvirate sentenced me to hard labor.
“While I was in the clink, I thought I would go mad from abibliophobia. That’s why I was so eager to get out on parole. I was so out of it I started tweeting about convfefe. I mean, what does that even mean? So here I am, trying to reintegrate into society.”
The room just stared in shocked silence as he left the lectern.
Andrea, Andrea Randall, Angela, Barbie Urteaga, Brenda, Bridgett, Carmen Vazquez, Charlie, Cheryl Albertelli, Dave, Denise Sherman, Diane Dale, Dolly, Donna Wolz, Duwane, Duwane, Elizabeth Sullivan, Evelyn, Gail Powell, Gene, Joanie Sanders, Jodi Wresh, Joe Rose, Joy S., Julia Mason, Julian White, Laura Emery, Lori Bohanon, Lynne Arias, MaryAnn Sims, Melody Gonser, Michell L VanArsdale, Michelle Schaubert, Misty, Nenette M., Nicole Ortiz, Paco, Peggy Honeysuckle, Reva Draper, Robert Hogan, Robin
Robyn, Sakeena Shaikh, Sandra S., Sharyn, Sherry Vaughan, Tin, Yvonne Villegas
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS
Abundance, Bodacious bustle, Convfefe (I assume this is now part of everyday vocabulary), Daily Bugle,
Diddly-squat, Discovery, Enlightenment, Euphoria, Excommunication, Feline, Flamingo, Forgiveness, Hair Dye, Irresistible, Jackpot, Keenness, Labor, Lilt, Necrophilia, Om, Orbit, Patronizingly, Practices, Pique, Prison, Shape, Supercalifragilisticexpilalidocious, Tow-head, Trap door, Triumphant, Undercut, Undetermined, Vacancy, Watermelon, Wildcat
Abibliophobia: the fear of running out of things to read
Cadaverine: a toxic liquid base, 1,5-diaminopentane, formed by the putrification of proteins.
Conglutinated: united by or as if by a glutinous substance.
Crispate: one of three definitions of an unusual form of daylily
Decorticator: the machine used in the harvesting of sisal in West Africa.
Enervated: caused someone to feel drained of energy or vitality.
Etoufee: a dish found in both Cajun and Creole cuisine, typically served with shellfish over rice.
Filigree: ornamental work of fine (typically gold or silver) wire formed into delicate tracery.
Interdiction: the act of prohibiting or forbidding something.
Montivagant: wandering over hills and mountains.
Pettifogger: an inferior legal practitioner, especially one who deals with petty cases or employs dubious
Quilling: applies to floral segments that turn upon themselves along their length to form a tubular
Spalted: (of wood) containing blackish irregular lines as a result of fungal decay, and sometimes used to produce a decorative survace.
Triumvirate: (in ancient Rome) a group of three men holding power.
URBAN DICTIONARY WORDS
Peezing: UD: sneezing and peeing your pants at the same time.