Tired of being the pusillanimous company harbinger—obsequiousness to a fault—I approach my mendacious boss and tell him I loathe him. That he’s a kittywompus doppelganger of that hoodlum from Batman.
“You’re fired,” is his only response.
“Seriously? But contractually . . .”
He cut me off. “Yes.”
His monosyllabic answer changes everything.
My first move on my “refirement” vacation is to follow the Grateful Dead on their exclusive “Eternal” band tour. I had only done it vicariously before, but quickly fell into the madness of the escoteric group.
“Hey, Vintage!” a boisterous and voluptuous girl calls from to me from her parking lot tent. “I’m Molly. Aren’t you bootylicious! You want a drink?”
Hesitantly, I walk into Molly’s tent. She’s clearly a functional hoarder. As I take in the mess, she wraps her arms around me.
“I’m too old for you,” I say, exasperated. A stupendous conundrum since my superficial observation is that she’s gorgeous.
Molly scoffs and hands me my drink. “Well, here’s a geriatric carafe.”
I gulp down the liquid from the polytepal flowered carafe and instantly feel discombobulated.
“Whas’ in da the bariatric giraffe?” I ask.
Molly just chuckles.
I try to recombobulate after my spoonerism. “Wha’ hogwash did jou give me?”
“It’s a combination of rhubarb, Valium and Cialis. It’ll bring out your spriteliness.”
“It makes me wanna put my whatchmacallit in all you esholes,” I slur.
I couldn’t have predicted that a moment later, Molly would have me horizontal on a picnic table, her heeled boutique shoes in the air. I’ll be peeing sideways for a week.
“Its oneiromancy, déjà vu or maybe serendipity,” Molly murmurs and I feel grounded in my decision to become a Deadhead.
I nod off and wake up parched, my sciatica aching and a with headache of galactic proportions, like someone took a wicked suction cup to my brain. I see the penumbra of a slim man in the corner of the tent, picking at his toenail. “Who is this guy?” I stare a deathray at Molly.
“Oh, we’re polyamorous around here,” she says as she gives the man a squeeze. “No one’s secretive about it.”
“Aren’t you worried you’ll get pregnant?” was the first question that came to mind.
“I can’t. Mazopathia and anerobic porphyria. Not an innocuous combination,” she says.
“That’s tragic.” I spent little time mourning for her plight, my solemn and irascible side coming out. “I gotta go.”
I run as fast as I can to beg for my job back.
Alice Nieuwendijk, Andrea, Anita Gambrell, Barbara Beauchamp, Barbara Shanahan, bear1, Belinda, Brenda, Bridgett, Brooklyn Emery, Carl Gaskins, Carol Luciano, Cheri Brown, Cheryl Albertelli, Crystal, David, Deborah, Denise Sherman, Diane Dale, Dolly Nemec, Doree, Duwane, EC, Erick Hix, Gail Powell, Gary Matthews, Gene, Grace Farrell, Jackie Phipps, James A Emery Jr, Jean, Jesslyn, John, Joy Clarin Soriano, Julia Mason, Julian White, Katina Fragakis, KD Clark, Kim Nashawaty, Kristi Van Howling, Lisa, Lori Bohanon, Lori R, Lynn, Lynne Arias, Marcia, Marian, Gorrell, Mary Mougeot, MaryAnn Sims, Melissa Dawdy, Michelle Schaubert, Mitsy, Montzalee, Nancie Hamlin, Nenette M., Pat Baxes, Patricia Solla, Peggy Honeysuckle, Rachel Rackovan, Robin, Robyn, Sakeena Shaikh, Samantha Day, Shelah, Shelly Riggle, Stewart Lorce, Sue Mullaney, Suzan, Tabitha Harris, Teresa
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS
band tour, boutique, Cialis, contractually, conundrum, déjà vu, discombobulated, esoteric, eternal, exasperated, exclusive, functional, galactic, giraffe, grounded, hoarder, hogwash, hoodlum, horizontal, innocuous, loathe, mourning, parched, peeing, penumbra, picnic table, predicted, pregnant, rhubarb, sciatica, secretive, serendipity, seriously, shoes, slim, solemn, stupendous, suction, superficial, toenail, tragic, vacation, vicariously, vintage, voluptuous, wicked, madness
anaerobic—relating to, involving, or requiring an absence of free oxygen.
doppelganger— an apparition or double of a living person.
harbinger—a person or thing that announces or signals the approach of another.
innocuous— not harmful or offensive.
irascible—having or showing a tendency to be easily angered.
mazopathia—any placental disease.
mendacious—not telling the truth; lying.
monosyllabic—consisting of one syllable.
obsequiousness—obedience to an excessive or servile degree.
oneiromancy—the interpretation of dreams in order to foretell the future.
polyamorous—the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.
polytepal— an adjective used to designate a daylily with more than the normal number of segments in each floral whorl. This came dangerously close to making it to the WTF list!!!
porphyria— a rare hereditary disease in which the blood pigment hemoglobin is abnormally metabolized. Porphyrins are excreted in the urine, which becomes dark; other symptoms include mental disturbances and extreme sensitivity of the skin to light.
pusillanimous—showing a lack of courage or determination; timid.
recombobulate—to cause to think clearly again
refirement—different from “retirement” as per the word provider, getting a “fire” your belly to resign and start another phase of living.
spoonerism—a verbal error in which a speaker accidentally transposes the initial sounds or letters of two or more word
spriteliness—animation and energy in action or expression
URBAN DICTIONARY WORDS
deathray—a theoretical particle beam that was claimed to have been invented independently by Guglielmo Marconi, Nikola Tesla, Harry Grindell Matthews, Edwin R. Scott, and Graichen, as well as others.
kittywompus—disorganized; poorly done; chaotic.
watchamacallit—used to refer to a person or thing whose name one cannot recall, does not know, or does not wish to specify.
FAVORITE WORD OF THE WEEK
spoonerism—a verbal error in which a speaker accidentally transposes the initial sounds or letters of two or more words. I didn’t use it perfectly but accidentally do it all the time!