Tag «words»

After nine months of sweatin’, leg claudication, flatulent nights, and cukoo cravings for kumquat and bar-b-que, I was ready to deliver. To get through my labor I imagined strolling through and epitaxial cave with flute music playing, and a stunning bibliopole sweeping me off my feet and offering a trinket of affection. When the contractions hit …

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I check the address again before knocking on the door of the mansion. Some pugnacious douchebag answers and says, “I think you’ve gotten your hats mixed up,” as he tips his derby ostentatiously. I try to smile as I adjust my sombrero with one hand and clutch an enchilada tray in the other. “I’m Dave. …

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I suffered horrible sleep deprivation in anticipation of our tropical getaway to Jamaica. My astrological forecast said something catastrophic would happen if I went out in the rain. “You can’t cancel our trip because of some ghostwriter of the zodiac on Yahoo,” Carl said, pulling our boarding passes from the printer. “Don’t be selfish, we’ve …

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Tired of being the pusillanimous company harbinger—obsequiousness to a fault—I approach my mendacious boss and tell him I loathe him. That he’s a kittywompus doppelganger of that hoodlum from Batman. “You’re fired,” is his only response. “Seriously? But contractually . . .” He cut me off. “Yes.” His monosyllabic answer changes everything. My first move …

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TED AND LOLA—VOLUME FOUR   Ted was addlepated and bumfuzzled by his obsession with giving the snarky, vixenish Lola a smooch.  He found her to be a tumultuous phenotype from heaven ever since she cast her abracadabra spell on him. His feelings of epic happiness that spring were a gobsmacker to him because when initially …

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I was exhaustipated as I walked home through the gloaming on that Orwellian night. I made my way through Grandpa’s odd barbican fencing and found him in the yard, discombobulated. He was rolling around like a pygmy hedgehog. “Ono! What are you doing, Gramps?” I asked, flabbergasted by his audacity. “I’m surprised to see you …

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Paraphilia  I clutched my pearls, dashing around the ossuary like my hair was on fire in anticipation of his arrival. I had watched as he finished his quartet performance on the stagecoach and knew he would come here next.  He missed his sister, but I was glad that demon hermaphrodite was dead. You can’t imagine …

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