After nine months of sweatin’, leg claudication, flatulent nights, and cukoo cravings for kumquat and bar-b-que, I was ready to deliver.
To get through my labor I imagined strolling through and epitaxial cave with flute music playing, and a stunning bibliopole sweeping me off my feet and offering a trinket of affection. When the contractions hit I uttered some falderal like “fiddledeedee!” until the pain subsided.
“Oh dear God!” Marian screamed when my baby emerged, and I immediately saw why.
I knew I shouldn’t have trusted that podsnappery old hippie in Saint Petersburg, but I was determined to be a mother. While on vacation in Russia, I allowed him to poke an embryo into me without even the courtesy of Astroglide. I should have been wary of the sign reading “Genetic Chimerism” above his storefront and his proximity to the dog pound. I knew any investigation of the place would reveal unacceptable conditions that didn’t meet compliance and it needed some serious fumigation.
I just couldn’t seem to meet a man and get pregnant the “normal” way. Not at band camp in Embarcadero, playing cribbage, or drinking Modelo at the Koi Wasabi bar. I even tried hitting on a guy while he was car jacking me. It seemed impossible, like no man on Earth would do the deed. And no matter how prone to philoprogentiveness I was, I couldn’t do it by myself.
What are you going to name . . .it? Marian asked.
“I was thinking Jezabel or Delfina.”
“I was thinking more like Mr. Snuffleupagus,” Marian said under her breath. “She looks like a fluffy blue wolf or some other quadruped.”
“Don’t’ talk to my baby like that on her birthday you nincompoop!” I snapped, losing my patience. “Wait, what is that horrible noise?” I asked.
Marian sighed before responding. “I think your baby is howling.”
A. M. Donovan, Andrea Randall, Avery, Barb Ellen, Barbie Urteaga, Bridgett, Carmen Vazquez, Carol Luciano, Cheryl Albertelli, Chris, Dave, Denise Sherman, DewAnn Therrien, Dolly Nemec, Donna Wolz, Duwane, Gail Powell, Gene, Germaine Ramondetta, Jarod, Joanie Sanders, Joseph Rose, Joy Soriano, Katina Fragakis, Krystal, Lisa, Lynne Arias, Mare Gorrell, Michelle Schaubert, Mitsy Princell, Nenette M., Nicole Morrow, Paco, Pat Baxes, Peggy Honeysuckle, Robin Albertelli, Robyn, Samantha Day, Sandra S., Sherry Vaughan, Stephanie Russell, Suzan, Suzie Q, Tabitha Harris, Teresa Garcia
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS
band camp, bar-b-que, birthday,blue, car-jacking, compliance, cuckoo, dog pound, Earth, embryo, fiddledeedee, flatulent, fluffy, flute, fumigation, howling, impossible, investigation, Jezabel, koi, kumquat, mother, nincompoop, old hippie, patience, poke, quadruped, Saint Petersburg, sign, strolling, stunning , sweatin’, trinket, vacation, wasabi, wolf
chimerism— the state of being a genetic chimera. A genetic chimerism or chimera (also spelled chimaera) is a single organism composed of cells from different zygotes. In Greek mythology, the Chimera was an awesome fire-breathing monster with the head of a lion, the body of a goat, and the tail of a serpent. The Chimera was killed by the hero Bellerophon mounted, in most versions of the tale, on Pegasus, the winged horse.
claudication— a condition in which cramping pain in the leg is induced by exercise, typically caused by obstruction of the arteries.
bibliopole— a person who buys and sells books, especially rare ones.
falderal— mere nonsense; foolish talk or ideas.
podsnappery— smug self-satisfaction and a lack of interest in the affairs of others
Mr. Snuffleupagus— one of the characters on Sesame Street
epitaxial— The growth of the crystals of one substance on the crystal face of another substance, such that the crystalline substrates of both substances have the same structural orientation.
Embarcadero— It derives its name from the Spanish verb embarcar, meaning “to embark”; embarcadero itself means “the place to embark”. The Central Embarcadero Piers Historic District was added to the National Register of Historic Places on November 20, 2002.
Astroglide— A company that makes personal lubricants
cribbage— a card game for two to four players, in which the objective is to play so that the value of one’s cards played reaches exactly 15 or 31.
Modelo—a brand of beer.
Delfina— A Spanish name meaning dolphin..
philoprogentiveness— tending to produce offspring