“Collin! Time for dinner,” I called from outside his room.
“Die, you nefarious freakfuck!” he replied.
Those were not the words of my pubescent sweetheart. I put my ear to the door, but the loud music coming from his room irritated the crapulence I suffered after my whiskey fest the night before.
“Cowabunga! Pwned, you bombastic twatwaffle!” Collin spat. I was overwhelmed by whatever pernicious force possessed my son.
I burst through the door. “Who are you talking to?”
“Sorry, mom. I’m just playing something from my new video game anthology. “Take that you corpulent…” He looked at me. “…snarfblat.”
“Stop yelling! Zaire and your future father-in-law are downstairs.”
“Awww mom. I wish you’d cross her off your checklist. Stop trying to set me up with that unscrupulous, penguin-looking airhead.”
I watched as he navigated a troll riding a gnu with perfunctory ease through an algae covered planet that looked like Saturn. “Zaire’s such a sweet Mensch. ”
“No, she’s an atrocious perversion of nature.”
“But you have so much in common,” I argued.
“Like what? She’s either talking about urolagnia, dentistry, or her pet Goldendoodle.” I obviously exacerbated his anger as he drove a plane into a hobbit in a meticulous manner, congealed blood oozing from its corpse.
“You both like Physics.” I smiled.
In reply, he slammed the door in my face.