Sorry Laura, but this is what you get for abandoning me with these words!
By Marian Gorrell
Laura sat at the edge of a quagmire leaning against a pollen sterile cypress and languishing in self-condemnation. She had just been dumped by her bodacious Swahili warrior boyfriend and couldn’t help but feel pathetic. To be honest, the breakup was inevitable—they didn’t speak each other’s languages. The fundament of their courtship had been their mutual enjoyment of playing with clackers, but everything else was just lost in translation. Now she was starting to feel that her transliteration of the Scut-puppy into Swahili for his birthday was just plain boondoggle.
While she pondered her frangible situation, she couldn’t help but long for a more prelapsarian time, when all a girl had to do was kiss a frog prince and she would live happily ever after.
Consequently, Laura was stupefied when a handsome, distinguished gentleman suddenly floated by her in a banana boat. The man was just as surprised to see her, and wasn’t watching where he was going.
Crash bang pow! The banana boat struck a fallen tree branch, and the gentleman was thrown overboard, into the bog, completely ruining his crisply pressed suit.
“Oh my goodness!” cried Laura, “Are you okay?
The gentleman responded, “My dear, I knew from the embarkation of my little journey that it would result in a zany adventure. Not only did I just meet a charming, titillating woman, but if I’m lucky I have picked up an amoeba during that little splash, and I’ll contract a nice, satisfying case of dysentery.”
Laura gaped at the gentleman, trying to find the right words. At last all she could come up with was, “WHAT??”
Seeing the repulsion on her face, the gentleman quickly replied, “you see, I have a bezoar… it must have been caused by my strict diet of only tater tots. Actually, my entire digestive system is a disaster, from my mouth to my buttcrack. I’ve tried using a demulcent to calm my angry epithelium, but nothing helps. I’m hoping a good case of dysentery may finally dislodge the fried potato mass in my gut.”
Laura backed away from the bizarre gentleman. She came to the conclusion that she didn’t need a man after all. All she needed was to go home, bask in ativan aromatherapy and crank up Pharrell’s Cause I’m Happy.
Andrea Randall, Ashley F., Barb Kiser, Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, Charlie Frye, Cheryl Albertelli, Dave, Debbie, Deborah, Denise Sherman, Dolly, Duwane, E.L. Davis, Elaine Folger, Elizabeth Sullivan, Gail Powell, Gale Doyle, Harley Christensen, Heather Stanley, Julia Mason, Julian White, Karen York, Laura Emery, Lisa Rubin, Michelle Schaubert, Nenette M., Nicole M, Paco, Patrician Cochran, Robyn, Sakeena Shaikh, Sharon, Tabitha Harris, Teresa, Teresa Williams
Normal People Words
Amoeba, Ativan aromatherapy, Banana boat, Bodacious, Buttcrack, Cause I’m Happy, Charming, Clackers, Condemnation, Crash Bang Pow, Crisply, Distinguished, Dysentery, Floated, Frog prince, Languishing, Pathetic, Pollen sterile, Stupefied, Swahili, Tater tots, Titillating, Translation, Warrior, Zany
Bezoar– a solid mass of indigestible material that accumulates in the digestive tract, sometimes causing a blockage.
Boondoggle– work or activity that is wasteful or pointless but gives the appearance of having value.
Demulcent– a substance that relieves irritation of the mucous membranes in the mouth by forming a protective film.
Embarkation-the act of passengers and crew getting aboard a ship of aircraft.
Epithelium– a membranous cellular tissue that covers a free surface or lines a tube or cavity of an animal body and serves especially to enclose and protect the other parts of the body, to produce secretions and excretions, and to function in assimilation.
Frangible– fragile, brittle
Fundament– the foundation or basis of something.
Prelapsarian-characteristic of the time before the Fall of Man; innocent and unspoiled.
Quagmire– a soft boggy area of land that gives way underfoot.
Scut-puppy– Yearbook of the New Jersey School of Orthopathic Medicine.
Transliteration– to write words or letters in the characters of another alphabet.