By Marian Gorrell
“Please call your first witness,” said Judge Garcia to reluctant rookie attorney, Joe.
“I call Lilu, to testify on his own behalf,” said Joe. He couldn’t believe that for his first big trial he had to exculpate an incubus of statutory rape.
Ahem. “Lilu, can you tell me where you were on the afternoon of June 9th?”
“I was on a date,” said the incubus.
“Please elaborate,” said Joe.
“Well, I picked Delfina up outside her house, and presented her with a bouquet of tetraploid polytepal daylilies. It was obvious that she had a candid intent to titillate me in her threadbare low-cut dress. I usually try not to engage in colposinquanonia, but, wow that girl is stacked! She said to me ‘are you ready for a love in, Daddeo?’ I took her out on a friend’s sailboat and we sailed out to calm waters, where we played a little euchre while we snacked on raw vegetables. I don’t mean to sound ostentatious, but she just couldn’t help but notice my perpetual erection. It was literally the size of an amphisbaena.”
“I think you mean ‘figuratively,’” said the erudite Joe.
“Mea culpa,” said Lilu, not trying to disguise his umbrage. “May I continue, or do you have more incessant sassigassity comments?”
“Uh right, please continue,” said the pensive lawyer.
“Thanks,” said Lilu sarcastically, his annoyance evident to the courtroom. “Anyway, I should literally receive a commendation for the restraint I showed with this girl. The last date I had been on was 6 years ago, when I was in a transitory relationship with a succubus suffering from zoanthropy who demanded my undying loyalty. This, uh creature, truly believed she was a diploid queen among a herd of ungulates. It gave me insomnia for months, and I had to take a vacation and give into my scripturient urge to write a threnody steeped in tetrometry. I just wanted to throw myself off a precipice.”
“YIKES!” exclaimed Joe. “Too bad you don’t have the gift of divination. You could have avoided that entire situation. But getting back to the matter at hand… at any time, did Delfina indicate that she was jailbait?”
“No, and I resent the condemnation,” said Lilu. Sure, I have my idiosyncrasies. I mean I am an incubus, after all, but I’m no microbiome. However, given the circumstances, I’m willing to agree to a settlement.”
A.m. Donovan, Andrea Randall, Barbie Urteaga, Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, Charlie, Cheryl Albertelli, Cindy, Cynthia Brooks, Dave Ramquist, Debbie Jones, Delfina, Denise Sherman
Diane Dale, Dolly Nemec, Donna Wolz, Duwane, Edna, Fe T. De Guzman, Gail Powell, Gale Doyle, Gene Albertelli, Harley Christensen, James A Emery Jr, Joanie Sanders, Joseph Rose, Julia Mason, Karen York, Kathryn Thomas, Lynne Arias, Marian Gorrell, MaryAnn Sims, Melani Severo-Ibay, Michelle Schaubert, Nenette M., Peggy Honeysuckle, Robin Albertelli, Robyn, Rowena Rayos-Wyatt, Sakeena Shaikh, Samantha Day, Sandra Spilecki, Suzan, Teresa Garcia, Yvonne Villegas
NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS
Annoyance, Candid, Commendation, Condemnation, Daddeo, Delfina, Divination, Euchre, Idiosyncrasies, Incessant, Incubus, Insomnia, Jailbait, Love in, Loyalty, Mea Culpa, Pensive, Perpetual erection, Precipice, Sailboat, Settlement, Succubus, Testify, Threadbare, Titillate, Transitory, Vacation, Vegetables, YIKES
Amphisbaena- a legendary serpent with a head at each end.
Colposinquanonia-Estimating a woman’s beauty based on her chest.
Diploid- (of a cell or nucleus) containing two complete sets of chromosomes, one from each parent.
Erudite- having or showing great knowledge or learning.
Exculpate-show or declare that (someone) is not guilty of wrongdoing.
Microbiome-the microorganisms in a particular environment
Ostentatious-characterized by vulgar or pretentious display; designed to impress or attract notice.
Scripturient- having a strong urge to write
Tetraploid,polytepal- containing four homologous sets of chromosomes and just three petals and three sepals.
Tetrometry- a verse of four measures.
Threnody-a song or poem that expresses sorrow for someone who is dead.
Umbrage- offense or annoyance.
Ungulates- are any members of a diverse group of primarily large mammals that includes odd-toed ungulates such as horses and rhinoceroses, and even-toed ungulates such as cattle, pigs, giraffes, camels, deer, and hippopotamuses.
Zoanthropy- a mental disorder in which one believes oneself to be an animal.
Sassigassity- we can only guess what it means.