Pursuing the shelves of a scant bookstore for a light read to take on vacation, I heard my name.
“I think Laura Emery has gone wayward with her writing lately.” Some ignoble Megalodon-looking woman was holding my periwinkle colored book, “What Remains of the Fair Simonetta.”
I scooted closer to hear what other egregious things she would say, while pretending to be interested in a cumbersome tome about Janteloven society.
“What do you mean?” Her friend replied. I had to back up to avoid asphyxiation from her bodily miasma.
“One minute she’s writing about puppy love, pheromones, and romance and the next she’s ranting about calico zoftig Teletubbies going to the carwash or a Siamese munchkin cyclops mixing eggplant, cumquat, Nutter Butter and a sweet potato while wearing a girdle and playing a ukulele.”
“Haha. You’re right! Did you see the story she wrote on her birthday? Can you say megalomania?
I picked up a book on the origin of the Cossak people, ready to start a kerfuffle, when the Leviathan woman replied, “Actually, that one was pretty amazing.”
My anger was anesthetized. Feeling tractable, I grabbed a pedagogical book on sunflowers, and left store.
MY DAUGHTER BROOKLYN’S VERSION
Today is my birthday. So in honor of that I am making sweet potato sunflowers, with crumbled up nutter butter on top. My party will be themed Teletubbies, and will be DJ by Siamese twins. Attending the party will be a scant munchkin, who treats people with wayward respect.
As a gift from my pet eggplant I will receive a vacation to the carwash. And accompanying me on my journey to the car cleaners will be my anesthetized friend cumquat. I will be attending my party tonight in a calico girdle, screaming Laura Emery! During my party I will dance with a Cossack. I will watch Puppy Love and get anesthesia so I can asphyxiate. This will not be a tractable party, but it sure will be amazing. At my birth celebration we will dine on periwinkle. There will not be any ignoble guests at my party, and my Janteloven cop friend, who smells of miasma and is very cumbersome, will make sure of it.